Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
this is what they would have looked like, though
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”