You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄