Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.