CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.