Well, that should do it
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.