I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.