My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Choose your fighter
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish