You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
wut hotdog?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.