Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”