“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”