AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
So creative 😂
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.