Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue