This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
You Might Also Like
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest