The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?