Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…