Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
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I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.