God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.