The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the