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Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?