My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’