Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug