I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
5 ways to appear taller
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.