At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*