“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
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WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances