I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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It’s the weekend y’all
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”