when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me adding lol on a serious message
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
everyone’s a critic
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.