[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours