4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
awkward
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life