The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
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I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*