This why you should mind your business
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
How can I say no to this ?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds