today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I love it all
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The little toadstool has spoken.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.