What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
You Might Also Like
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?