Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
inside you are two wolves
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.