Current mood: Potato
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry