You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
monday
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
They’re called werewolves.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Krampus.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Doctors texting each other.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween