The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
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SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
barbara was highly relatable
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet