zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime