Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.