My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better