5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly