I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.