Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex