please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
A man of commitment.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.