WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
incredible text to wake up to
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya