I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*weighs self after shaving
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma