My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
When can I start eating bats again.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Whoa 😂
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.