Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
#math
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s