“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*