[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My blood type is b hungry.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.