Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.